Tough Love for People-Pleasers

“For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.” 
– Matthew 23:27

What do you call utter denial of a bad situation? Or glossing over someone’s mistake/bad behavior so that the illusion of perfection is not jeopardized.

My son would probably call the first: sweet lemon-ing (“mixing lemons with cuploads of sugar until they actually taste sweet.”) It’s trying to justify a bad life event by searching for the “silver lining” even if it’s as tiny as a silver needle in a haystack. 

The passage above from the Bible calls the second: whitewashing. 

Last Saturday, I was feeling angry about a wrongdoing that was not properly handled. I felt that “lemon” was being dredged in tons of sugar and then getting spray-painted. 

I was amazed at how quickly God assuaged my feelings and how He affirmed my anger. In my prayer time this morning, I read in Companion a reprint of Bo Sanchez’s article “How to Have Necessary Conflicts”. It was sub-titled: Sometimes, You Just Have to Pick a Fight. 

In a nutshell, the article said it’s alright to be angry when you see that something wrong is being done. In this situation “anger is a gift from God…Because anger or its other name – tough love – can be the only thing that can wake them up.” 

The article was about abusive people and how their co-dependents (a.k.a victims of their abuse) help them to go on sinning by being silent doormats. 

Initially, I couldn’t relate. First, the examples in the article were an abused wife and parents dealing with drug dependent children. Second, I cannot picture myself quietly suffering as I’m quite opinionated and I always try to speak my mind or at least write about it (obvious ba?). 

What struck me was that part about tough love and people-pleasers. Bo said, “If we don’t use anger or tough love, we actually need the people in our lives more than we love them. And that’s selfishness.”

He ends the article thus, “If you have no conflicts, then that means 3 things:
• You’re a people-pleaser, wanting to please everyone.
• You’ve compromised your convictions, not wanting to offend anyone.
• You’re a sissy. A coward. Therefore, a selfish person. 
But a genuine, loving person will have a few conflicts.
And he’ll get angry a few times because it’s the loving thing to do.
So be a loving person today.”

I was relieved by this article. It showed that feigning that nothing is wrong is being a people-pleaser.  We cannot right a wrong when we pretend it’s non-existent. 

Yes, it’s always a good thing to find the silver lining in our trials but when it becomes a needle that pricks our eyes and blinds us, it serves as an instrument that perpetuates the wrong that’s being done. 

Love Someone Today Lesson 1

God Has a Great Purpose for Your Life

I spent the better part of my morning rummaging through old issues of Kerygma Magazine. There’s this story about a disabled girl I was looking for. 


I can’t recall what her disability was. All I remember is that she can’t move around like a normal person does. What was remarkable about her was that she blesses so many people from her bed. She is a prayer warrior. People text her their petitions and she prays for them. That’s what she spends most of her waking time on.


I wasn’t able to find the article. It’s a good thing this month’s (May 2012) issue of Kerygma featured another amazing girl with a disability, Jessica Cox. Jessica was born without any arms but she can do everything a person with hands can do. More than that, she plays the piano, has 2 black belts in Taekwondo and is listed in Guinness as the first armless person to get a pilot’s certification.  (I have two hands and forearms and triceps and biceps and I can’t do any of that.)


In the KMag article by Tess Atienza, Jessica admitted she did go through times when she questioned God and pitied herself. If I remember right, the other girl did too. But they did not waste their time whining about their lot, throwing tantrums when they can’t have their way (read in the article how Jessica dealt creatively with her desire to have a TV) and cursing the womb that bore them. Instead they rose above their disabilities to serve as inspiration to others.


Lesson 1 of Bo Sanchez’s book Love Someone Today is “God Has a Great Purpose for Your Life.” God has a plan for you no matter what shape or form or color or status you were brought into this world. Just look at these two girls. 


Bo said: “I believe your most important purpose is to be one with God – because from your oneness with God, you’ll be able to share His love to the world through the gifts and talents He has given you.” No matter how physically, economically, emotionally challenged you are, YOU HAVE A GIFT AND A PURPOSE. 


Some friends and I faced a challenge this week via a barrage of text messages. I’ve said it before and I say it again: God uses ingenious ways (yes, even exasperation) to inspire my blogs. These are some thoughts He prodded me to write:

The acceptance of your disability, character flaw or misfortune in life is the start of accepting yourself. Once you learn to accept yourself, you can start “fulfilling God’s design for your life.” The feeling of rejection comes from focusing on your neediness for other people’s acceptance. 

When you look beyond yourself and serve others with joy, other people will naturally gravitate to you. A person who exudes love for others is easy to like and difficult to reject. Looking outward (what can I do to make other people happy) instead of looking inward (what should other people do to make me happy) is the key to acceptance and the antidote to rejection. 

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For my cyber-friends to whom I dedicate this LST series to, let me share this tip from the book: “As you begin your relationship with Jesus, start with J.O.Y.


Join a weekly Prayer Meeting (such as The Feast) and Small Groups for personal discipleship.


Obey God’s Word by reading the Bible every day. You may use the assigned Mass Readings of the day or read 3 chapters of the Bible daily.


Yield to the Holy Spirit so you can share Jesus to others.”

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By the way, thank you Jennet (one of the cyber-friends I mentioned in my last blog) . I made this Strawberry Cheesecake with the luscious strawberries you sent.

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Postscript:


I found the KMag article (April 2007) I was looking for thanks to Tess who also wrote it. The  differently-abled girl's name is Ann Martha Padilla and she has cerebral palsy. She is “a prayer warrior of the Regina Rosarii Contemplative Association.” 


Like Jessica, she uses her toes to do things particularly texting her advice to the many people who send her messages. She said, “I would ask God what he wanted me to do given my condition.” Through her disability, she is performing God’s great purpose for her life – to “offer encouragement and prayer for His troubled people.”



Photo of Jessica from Jessica Cox Motivational Services http://rightfooted.com/photos/

A Memory Loss

So they said to him, “Who are you?” Jesus said to them, “What I told you from the beginning. I have much to say about you in condemnation…” – John 8:25-26

Sometimes we experience temporary memory loss at the most embarrassing times. You meet a person you know and when you attempt to introduce this person to your companion, you draw a mental blank. You absolutely cannot remember his or her name and you cannot do the unthinkable and ask, “Who are you?”

This happened to me a couple of times. The most embarrassing was when I remembered the name of the person I met on the street and forgot the name of my companion. I had to endure the embarrassment longer as we were taking the ride home together.

Physical memory loss, at most, is just embarrassing. Spiritual memory loss is tragic as you lose more than just your “face”. What causes spiritual memory loss? I’d say pride does.

Let me tell you 2 stories to illustrate my point:

• My Papa had a town mate who knew him quite well. She even used to call him kuya. Papa was a friend of her sibling. She migrated to the U.S.A. and made it big there. When Papa introduced himself to her when they saw each other again in the States, she said, “Who are you? Do I know you?”

• I have a friend who used to be thoughtful and nice. As he rose in stature, he seemed to have experienced a severe memory loss about how he got to where he was and the other people who made a mark before him. Now I want to throttle him until the bad spirits depart and ask him, “Who are you and what have you done to my friend?”

There are times when we act like the Pharisees, like we do not know Jesus at all. We fail to recognize His hand in the good fortune that comes our way. We forget that all the success and blessings in our lives came from Him. Let us always remember who Jesus is and live like Him so that when we meet Him at the pearly gates He will not ask, “Who are you? Do I know you?”

Bearers of the Cross, the Bible and the Virgin Mary

A Refreshing Dose of Spirituality at The SFA

I was washing breakfast dishes when the impression from the Lord hit me. I felt ridiculous trying to wipe away my tears with soapy, rubber-gloved hands but I couldn’t control the overwhelming feeling.

We had to do something special for the launch of the Saturday Feast Alabang or what we half-jokingly call The SFA (pronounced like spa but with F instead). The enthronement was a tradition. It was done for the center’s inauguration and for the Wednesday Feast launch.

We were going to do it again. But how do we make it different? For one thing we had nothing to enthrone that had not been enthroned before.

When the inspiration struck, I was awed by the significance. The Lord impressed on me that the people we should ask to be the bearers of the Bible, the image of the Virgin Mary and the Cross should be families whose lives and spirituality were dramatically changed at the Feast.

Two people and their families came to mind quickly.

Lilibeth started attending the Feast Alabang with her family shortly after it was launched. Her husband died of cancer and she was left to care for 2 young sons. Her elder son, Junpol has cerebral palsy and epilepsy. I used to see her husband carrying him as they dropped their love offering in the basket.

She stopped attending for a while because of her burdens but came back and joined a Caring Group. She happened to mention to her CG mates her dearest wish to buy a wheelchair for Junpol so that he can attend the Feast with them. One generous sister immediately bought him one. Lilibeth shared in our website and bulletin about the great love she experienced at the Feast.

Nina is a girl in her early teens who used to attend the Feast in a wheel chair. She had End Stage Renal Disease. In the beginning, she looked so sad and would just sit quietly with her parents and brother through the sessions. Many of us were pleased to see her get better over time. She now attends minus the wheelchair looking perky in her trendy outfits. (Watch out for her mother’s testimony in Kerygma Magazine’s May issue).

Two down one to go. Then I remembered Jun whom my cousin, Belle, had to cajole and badger into attending. He made a 180-degree turnaround from being a reluctant Feast attendee.

Thinking about these three families brought home the point that the Feast was really blessing lives and refreshing troubled souls. Their lives changed because of the healing and love they experienced.

Not only that, members of these families are now happy servants at the Feast Alabang: Lilibeth and Junpol (when he feels up to it) serve with the Warmth Ministry; Nina is one of our social networkers in Media, her mom Winnie is with the Warmth and Food Ministries, and I know her brother Earl volunteered for Tech; and Jun sings with the Music Ministry – not just for the Sunday Feast sessions but also the WFA (our Wednesday session), now the SFA and also supports Feast Sucat.

I felt they were the perfect people to bear the symbols of our Faith. The tears still flowed as I watched them during the enthronement. A sister shared she got goose bumps. The Spirit’s presence that we felt affirmed the impression that the Lord wanted these families to take part in the enthronement. The Lord moved people to give us a memorable launch.

Just as our Feast Builder for SFA, Randy Borromeo, said, “If it is the Lord’s will for this session to happen we will have the anointing of ease and things will just come together.” And they did. All the ministries who worked for the launch were excited and it showed in the wonderful service they gave.

Our Creatives and Food Ministries gave the SFA a relaxing ambiance to enhance the feeling that this is the harassed Christian’s weekend getaway with the Lord. We hope and pray that many souls will be refreshed in this spiritual spa.

The Saturday Feast Alabang is held at the Feast Alabang Center, 2nd Level, X-site Entrance, Festival Mall (right above National Bookstore). Session starts at 6:00 pm with anticipated mass at 7:30 pm.

Photos by Mike & Mai Togle, IC de Guzman & ReyMark Cristobal. Thanks FAMMily!

Long Term Plan

The inspiration came from an incident that happened in November 2009. I wrote about it in December 2010. On October 12, 2011, the date of my Didache reflection, two friends (J and Gina) commented on the amazing coincidence that it came out on that particular day.

The last date in this trilogy was the birthday of Reggie, a brother in our community. It was a special celebration – a thanksgiving for a blessed life. To honor him and as a gift for a man who has almost everything, we prepared a dance.

We threw all dignity to the wind for the love of a brother. We were jokingly threatened to be disowned by other members of the community if we tarnish the good name of Feast Alabang. And since some of the people who were going to perform our Grease number were no longer strangers to arthritis and high blood pressure, disownment was a huge possibility.

By the grace of God, we pulled it off. The cheers and enthusiastic applause by the audience assured we don’t have to say we belong to Feast Marilao or some other Feast.

Was it just an amazing coincidence or a divine long term plan that my reflection came out on that day? I’d say the second because the Sunday immediately after the party, our worship leader even used the coincidence in his exhortation. With God’s perfect timing, people are still being blessed by an incident that happened two years ago.

My October 12 Didache reflection:

A CHORUS LINE

“Woe to you, Pharisees! You love the seat of honor in synagogues and greetings in marketplaces.” – Luke 11: 43

I love performing. That’s the reason why I joined the glee club in college. Singing and dancing onstage under the lights, in front of big applauding crowds, was the highlight of my college life.

When I joined Light of Jesus, my ministry of choice was, naturally, music. Later, our chapter’s Music Ministry was absorbed into the South Feast in Alabang. I noticed that pride was an issue in the beginning. We were like Pharisees who loved the limelight. Feelings were hurt over lead singer assignments; some members thought they were too good to be taught. But as our service increased, pride slowly decreased.

Joining the chorus at the 2009 Kerygma Conference was a humbling experience for many of us. It was a big chorus. Those of us in the third row were not seen by the audience or on camera. But more than performing in front of a huge crowd in Araneta, our biggest thrill was singing for the Lord and touching the people there. It didn’t matter to me that only a fourth of my face was seen in the official photos. I knew from where He sat, the Lord could see us.

Our Meeting Place

Feast Alabang Leaders’ Retreat – October 28, 2011

I was late. I had to go up to my room to get my bible. Everyone had found their nook – their meeting place with God. I still had to search for mine…that place where God will tell me to stop so we can sit and talk.

I made my way up the knoll where the grotto was. There by the side of the grotto’s pool was my spot. It was an imperfectly perfect place.

Imperfect. The stone on which I sat was jagged, uncomfortable. There were ants on the other stones beside it. In a few minutes the path back to the retreat house will be dark as the sun draws the curtain over the canopy of trees above me.

Perfect. Mama Mary was behind me just as she always is – praying for me to her son. The ants didn’t take a single nip at me even if I was in biting distance. And a nearby lamp turned on to give me light just as the dusk set in.

My spot. It lies beside the pool much like the setting in the passage we were asked to ponder upon. John 4:1-42 was about the Samaritan woman by Jacob’s well.

My reflection: When we come to drink the living waters, the conditions are not always comfortable. But we sit with the Lord in any circumstance. We serve even when it is difficult. And our Lord, Jesus, gives us protection from the bites of reality. He gives light to guide us over the rough path so we can find our way safely home.

Thanks to IC de Guzman for the retreat attendees' photos.

The Dehydrated Camel

Sub-title – Guideline # 5: A Servant Leader Seeks Spiritual Nourishment

There was once a camel named Abou. He was a diligent and caring fellow. The other camels looked up to him. The master was so happy with his show of leadership; he put Abou at the head of the caravan.

One day the caravan set out across the wide desert for the grandest city in all the land. All the camels were excited to set their hooves on streets that were said to be paved with gold.

The journey was long and hot. The master stopped at the oases that dotted the desert to cool off the caravan. In each oasis Abou ran around doing head camel things. “C’mon herd, drink up! Don’t mind the iguana.” “Master, Jamal’s harness is loose.” “Your load is slipping, my boy.”

He was so busy he only got a sip or two. In one oasis, he even totally forgot to drink. As the sun turned the desert into a furnace, Abou got weaker and weaker. He became so dehydrated, the master decided to leave him in a tiny run-down desert town lest he die along the way.

With tears in his eyes, he watched the caravan disappear into the distant sand dunes. He was too busy to drink from the nourishing waters when he had the chance. Now he will never lay eyes on that glowing city.

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I wrote this cautionary tale to illustrate Guideline #5 for my Manual for Servant Leaders Who Insanely Love to Serve God Despite Harassments and Frustrations. (Thank you to my son, Buddy, for the cartoon.) It was inspired by something J Yogawin said during our Evangelism Pillar Pastoral Formation last week. J is our Associate Builder for the Wednesday Feast Alabang.

He exhorted us to be committed to our service. But he also said, “You should never be too busy that you miss the opportunity to sit still, listen and learn how to change your life.” We may be present at the Feast but our minds might be on something else.

That broad-sided us like a blow from a shepherd’s rod. It’s true that when we buzz around with this errand and that, we sometimes forget to heed the talks and take them to heart.

This lapse will become evident in the way we live and treat other people. It’s not an inspiring sight when servant leaders live in direct opposition to the teachings that flow abundantly at the Feast. When we do not seek spiritual nourishment our souls wither.

Abou, like Martha in the bible, had a heart for service but he forgot the one thing that will refresh him and bring him out of the desert.

But Martha was distracted with all her preparations… the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary...” – Luke 10:40-42