Tough Love for People-Pleasers

“For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.” 
– Matthew 23:27

What do you call utter denial of a bad situation? Or glossing over someone’s mistake/bad behavior so that the illusion of perfection is not jeopardized.

My son would probably call the first: sweet lemon-ing (“mixing lemons with cuploads of sugar until they actually taste sweet.”) It’s trying to justify a bad life event by searching for the “silver lining” even if it’s as tiny as a silver needle in a haystack. 

The passage above from the Bible calls the second: whitewashing. 

Last Saturday, I was feeling angry about a wrongdoing that was not properly handled. I felt that “lemon” was being dredged in tons of sugar and then getting spray-painted. 

I was amazed at how quickly God assuaged my feelings and how He affirmed my anger. In my prayer time this morning, I read in Companion a reprint of Bo Sanchez’s article “How to Have Necessary Conflicts”. It was sub-titled: Sometimes, You Just Have to Pick a Fight. 

In a nutshell, the article said it’s alright to be angry when you see that something wrong is being done. In this situation “anger is a gift from God…Because anger or its other name – tough love – can be the only thing that can wake them up.” 

The article was about abusive people and how their co-dependents (a.k.a victims of their abuse) help them to go on sinning by being silent doormats. 

Initially, I couldn’t relate. First, the examples in the article were an abused wife and parents dealing with drug dependent children. Second, I cannot picture myself quietly suffering as I’m quite opinionated and I always try to speak my mind or at least write about it (obvious ba?). 

What struck me was that part about tough love and people-pleasers. Bo said, “If we don’t use anger or tough love, we actually need the people in our lives more than we love them. And that’s selfishness.”

He ends the article thus, “If you have no conflicts, then that means 3 things:
• You’re a people-pleaser, wanting to please everyone.
• You’ve compromised your convictions, not wanting to offend anyone.
• You’re a sissy. A coward. Therefore, a selfish person. 
But a genuine, loving person will have a few conflicts.
And he’ll get angry a few times because it’s the loving thing to do.
So be a loving person today.”

I was relieved by this article. It showed that feigning that nothing is wrong is being a people-pleaser.  We cannot right a wrong when we pretend it’s non-existent. 

Yes, it’s always a good thing to find the silver lining in our trials but when it becomes a needle that pricks our eyes and blinds us, it serves as an instrument that perpetuates the wrong that’s being done.