Tough Love for People-Pleasers

“For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.” 
– Matthew 23:27

What do you call utter denial of a bad situation? Or glossing over someone’s mistake/bad behavior so that the illusion of perfection is not jeopardized.

My son would probably call the first: sweet lemon-ing (“mixing lemons with cuploads of sugar until they actually taste sweet.”) It’s trying to justify a bad life event by searching for the “silver lining” even if it’s as tiny as a silver needle in a haystack. 

The passage above from the Bible calls the second: whitewashing. 

Last Saturday, I was feeling angry about a wrongdoing that was not properly handled. I felt that “lemon” was being dredged in tons of sugar and then getting spray-painted. 

I was amazed at how quickly God assuaged my feelings and how He affirmed my anger. In my prayer time this morning, I read in Companion a reprint of Bo Sanchez’s article “How to Have Necessary Conflicts”. It was sub-titled: Sometimes, You Just Have to Pick a Fight. 

In a nutshell, the article said it’s alright to be angry when you see that something wrong is being done. In this situation “anger is a gift from God…Because anger or its other name – tough love – can be the only thing that can wake them up.” 

The article was about abusive people and how their co-dependents (a.k.a victims of their abuse) help them to go on sinning by being silent doormats. 

Initially, I couldn’t relate. First, the examples in the article were an abused wife and parents dealing with drug dependent children. Second, I cannot picture myself quietly suffering as I’m quite opinionated and I always try to speak my mind or at least write about it (obvious ba?). 

What struck me was that part about tough love and people-pleasers. Bo said, “If we don’t use anger or tough love, we actually need the people in our lives more than we love them. And that’s selfishness.”

He ends the article thus, “If you have no conflicts, then that means 3 things:
• You’re a people-pleaser, wanting to please everyone.
• You’ve compromised your convictions, not wanting to offend anyone.
• You’re a sissy. A coward. Therefore, a selfish person. 
But a genuine, loving person will have a few conflicts.
And he’ll get angry a few times because it’s the loving thing to do.
So be a loving person today.”

I was relieved by this article. It showed that feigning that nothing is wrong is being a people-pleaser.  We cannot right a wrong when we pretend it’s non-existent. 

Yes, it’s always a good thing to find the silver lining in our trials but when it becomes a needle that pricks our eyes and blinds us, it serves as an instrument that perpetuates the wrong that’s being done. 

How to Reject Your One True Love

It’s been quite a while since I wrote a blog here. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been receiving regular doses of miracles that I should be thankful for. I was actually busy with a new blessing – my new blog, Happy Faith. Anyway, as I promised to complete the Love Someone Today series, here’s Lesson 2: God Loves You More Than You Can Imagine. 

Lesson 2 says: “God delights in you” and you don’t have to do anything to earn His love. Many people have a hard time believing this. Maybe because they “were raised by unloving parents or in broken homes.” Or maybe they grew up with different beliefs or mindsets that block out this truth.

God loves us so much that even if we sin, He still showers us with love. But sin acts like an umbrella that prevents that downpour of love from drenching us. This in effect becomes a rejection of the One who truly loves us and who should be our One True Love, Jesus. 

The umbrella analogy reminds me of someone who gave our community quite a big headache. When he came to us, everybody tried to love him as we do with all people who come through our doors. We were also quite impressed with the way he tries to better himself.

But he had a great neediness to be loved and accepted maybe because of his disability and a painful past. That neediness soon became an umbrella that prevented him from receiving the love God wanted to shower him with through our members.

When he didn’t get his way, he slandered the people he felt were responsible. He took offense at the most miniscule or even non-existent reason. He would text blast a barrage of insults and complaints. 

People began shying away for fear they would become the next target of his attacks. It also became too much for their blood pressures to handle him. He sabotaged the very same relationships that he craved like a real estate agent who priced his property too high as if he didn’t want to sell. 

If, like this person, you are in a situation where your hard-heartedness or hard-headedness is repelling God’s outpouring of love or if your umbrella of sin is causing you to reject God, close it. Come to Jesus as you are. Let His love wash you clean. Don't reject His love; instead let it soak you. 

Love Someone Today Lesson 1

God Has a Great Purpose for Your Life

I spent the better part of my morning rummaging through old issues of Kerygma Magazine. There’s this story about a disabled girl I was looking for. 


I can’t recall what her disability was. All I remember is that she can’t move around like a normal person does. What was remarkable about her was that she blesses so many people from her bed. She is a prayer warrior. People text her their petitions and she prays for them. That’s what she spends most of her waking time on.


I wasn’t able to find the article. It’s a good thing this month’s (May 2012) issue of Kerygma featured another amazing girl with a disability, Jessica Cox. Jessica was born without any arms but she can do everything a person with hands can do. More than that, she plays the piano, has 2 black belts in Taekwondo and is listed in Guinness as the first armless person to get a pilot’s certification.  (I have two hands and forearms and triceps and biceps and I can’t do any of that.)


In the KMag article by Tess Atienza, Jessica admitted she did go through times when she questioned God and pitied herself. If I remember right, the other girl did too. But they did not waste their time whining about their lot, throwing tantrums when they can’t have their way (read in the article how Jessica dealt creatively with her desire to have a TV) and cursing the womb that bore them. Instead they rose above their disabilities to serve as inspiration to others.


Lesson 1 of Bo Sanchez’s book Love Someone Today is “God Has a Great Purpose for Your Life.” God has a plan for you no matter what shape or form or color or status you were brought into this world. Just look at these two girls. 


Bo said: “I believe your most important purpose is to be one with God – because from your oneness with God, you’ll be able to share His love to the world through the gifts and talents He has given you.” No matter how physically, economically, emotionally challenged you are, YOU HAVE A GIFT AND A PURPOSE. 


Some friends and I faced a challenge this week via a barrage of text messages. I’ve said it before and I say it again: God uses ingenious ways (yes, even exasperation) to inspire my blogs. These are some thoughts He prodded me to write:

The acceptance of your disability, character flaw or misfortune in life is the start of accepting yourself. Once you learn to accept yourself, you can start “fulfilling God’s design for your life.” The feeling of rejection comes from focusing on your neediness for other people’s acceptance. 

When you look beyond yourself and serve others with joy, other people will naturally gravitate to you. A person who exudes love for others is easy to like and difficult to reject. Looking outward (what can I do to make other people happy) instead of looking inward (what should other people do to make me happy) is the key to acceptance and the antidote to rejection. 

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For my cyber-friends to whom I dedicate this LST series to, let me share this tip from the book: “As you begin your relationship with Jesus, start with J.O.Y.


Join a weekly Prayer Meeting (such as The Feast) and Small Groups for personal discipleship.


Obey God’s Word by reading the Bible every day. You may use the assigned Mass Readings of the day or read 3 chapters of the Bible daily.


Yield to the Holy Spirit so you can share Jesus to others.”

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By the way, thank you Jennet (one of the cyber-friends I mentioned in my last blog) . I made this Strawberry Cheesecake with the luscious strawberries you sent.

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Postscript:


I found the KMag article (April 2007) I was looking for thanks to Tess who also wrote it. The  differently-abled girl's name is Ann Martha Padilla and she has cerebral palsy. She is “a prayer warrior of the Regina Rosarii Contemplative Association.” 


Like Jessica, she uses her toes to do things particularly texting her advice to the many people who send her messages. She said, “I would ask God what he wanted me to do given my condition.” Through her disability, she is performing God’s great purpose for her life – to “offer encouragement and prayer for His troubled people.”



Photo of Jessica from Jessica Cox Motivational Services http://rightfooted.com/photos/

Let Me Love You Today

I have a confession and I hope none of my community elders will read this. I’m being disobedient about something we were instructed to do. But before I get booted out of the community for being pigheaded, let me explain (or justify) my insubordination.

THE MISSION

The Light of Jesus Family’s mission is to “Make Disciples”. Our leader, Bo Sanchez, wrote the book Love Someone Today, a One-to-One Discipleship for Catholics. This is the tool given to the servants of the Feast to use in our evangelization. It’s a small but powerful book that can and is already touching lives.

We were given marching orders to seek one person to love and eventually disciple. This meant approaching a Feast attendee, starting a relationship and going through 7 lessons with her (or him for the brothers).

THE PROBLEM

Easy enough? Not quite. Last night in our meeting, we were grouped and asked to discuss our experiences in doing one-to-one discipleship.

True, there were inspiring stories from some members. Without a doubt, there are disciples in the making.

But there were stories not shared in the assembly but only discussed in the groups.

A brother shared that he was totally ignored by an attendee he tried to connect with. The man pointedly kept his earphones on.

A sister sensed that the person she tried to disciple got freaked out. Initially, the woman tried to hide from her during the Feast. Eventually, she stopped attending altogether.

And my personal problem? I just haven’t had the time to scout around for a prospect much less squeeze in a face-to-face encounter over a cup of coffee or tea (for me, since I rarely like coffee). Considering the myriad of duties I have, I may never have time to sit and talk.

MY SOLUTION

During our Love Someone Today (LST) workshop, I already knew I wouldn’t be able to do this. I lightheartedly said that I will just blog about it.

But seriously thinking about our mission, I felt that we each have our own way of making disciples. Since I’m a writer, my blog is a tool I can use to accomplish the task I was given. (I sometimes kid that if I get mad I will duel with my blog as my weapon of choice. Since this time it's all for love, it will be used to reach out and hopefully touch lives.)

Considering the advancements in technology, it is no longer strange to form relationships in cyberspace. My niece, for instance, met a guy from China online. Their romance blossomed via the internet. Now she’s married to him and awaiting the birth of their first child. So who’s to say disciples can’t be made online?

FINDING FRIENDS ONLINE

As a Didache and Gabay* writer, I often get messages from people who were touched by my reflection. Some have become cyber-buddies that I exchange emails with.

So here’s what I commit to do. I will write about each chapter of the LST booklet and do online discipleship. (I’m not encouraging others to do this. This is just me because writing is my gift. I say, “Go find your own thing” :) lest I be taken to task for being a bad influence.)

It may not exactly be what we were tasked to do but I feel I have God’s blessings on this one. I got His confirmation just this morning as I was praying about my plan:

“Go and take your place in the temple area, and tell the people everything about this life.” – Acts 5:20

The passage said “take your place” and my place is to write…here in my blog. I take it that “this life” refers to the life in community, a life following Jesus.

By writing about the lessons in this book I hope to deepen friendships with 3 ladies I met online:

I got to know Jennet because she would comment on my articles in our now-defunct website, Proudly Filipina. We reconnected through Didache and became online friends. I regularly send her my blogs.

May sent an email to all Didache writers about her job problem in Australia and I responded. After an exchange of emails, she visited us in Feast Alabang when she came home. She got a wonderful miracle a few weeks after – she and her husband got jobs in the U.S. We kept in touch for a while after she left. I hope through this online LST, we can continue the friendship.

I “met” Erma also because of my Didache reflection. She is planning a trip to Manila soon and I’ve invited her to visit me at the Feast Alabang. In the meantime, I have connected her to Feast Cagayan de Oro.

But I’m not limiting the interaction to these three ladies. If you can relate, become touched or would just like to reflect on what I will write about the LST, be my cyber-friend and drop me a line.

See you all soon for my take on the Intro to Love Someone Today.

*Didache and Gabay are daily bible reflections for Catholics.