The Agony and the Award

It seemed like his thesis was taking forever to finish. What should have been finished in one term stretched to two. I thought by the second term we could breathe easy and he will be graduating. But by thesis defense time he needed two more weeks to finish. Just two weeks! And he has to enroll for a third term! I can feel the sympathetic, collective chill of all parents out there with the words “additional tuition”.

It wasn’t because my younger son was bumming around that’s why he couldn’t finish on time. The fact was he had spent many sleepless nights in those two terms and two weeks trying to perfect his thesis. His sleeping habits have been so altered I’d tease him he can now work in a call center – work at night, sleep in the day. He had also been experiencing pain in his hand and his back due to non-stop work on the computer.

Towards the end of the second term, I did what no parent should do. In my frustration, I asked him, “Can’t you just submit a not so perfect work so that you can finish this term?” He glared at me. Sometime during his growing up years I must have somehow – unknown to me – taught him the value of hard work and excellence. Or it must be his father’s genes. Or maybe it was because I was constantly pestering my dear departed husband with this line, “Since you’re just floating around up there doing nothing, go ask Jesus to look after your sons.”

I rarely miss going to the Feast ever since we started in Alabang. Not only do I have various duties to perform, I also get my weekly spiritual nourishment there. I’d miss it only to attend once in a lifetime events or very important unavoidable ones. Last Sunday, I just had to miss it for a momentous occasion – my son’s awarding ceremony. His thesis won the bronze for Animation in the 12th TBS (Tokyo Broadcasting System) Digicon 6 Philippine regionals. And his work is now qualified to join the regional awards in Tokyo. He also holds the distinction of being the only student among the top three winners.

Watching him accept his award, I thanked the Lord for this great blessing. I also thanked Him that my son had the good sense not to turn in a below standard thesis just to beat the deadline.

Don Quixote at 80: My Knight in Shining Armor

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

“The Impossible Dream” is my father’s favorite song. At home, he will suddenly emulate Pavarotti with a line or two. To my mother’s chagrin, he even does this within earshot of the joggers in the park while they take their daily walk.

Playing the song in my mind and recalling that it is also the favorite of one of our heroes, Ninoy Aquino, I can see why he loves singing it. The soaring notes do not just hone his vocal cords; the lyrics resonate with his life principles.

Removing the negative connotations of the word, I guess “quixotic” aptly describes Papa – idealistic, chivalrous, visionary.

To right the unrightable wrong

To love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

Papa has had his share of fighting giants. He is not one to take the safe side. There has always been some noble advocacy he was involved in. Causes like opposing the construction of the power plant in our home town – a looming giant that will harm the environment and the health of the people.

As a lawyer, his fight for justice is part of his profession. But what is not de rigueur in his line of work is the amount of pro bono cases that he has tackled because of his heart for poor people in trouble. In his younger years, he would come home tired from court hearings in the province after spending his own money for the travel. I remember him often lugging a bagful of crabs or a bunch of saba bananas or some other farm produce. These were given in appreciation by his pro bono clients.

In this case, I guess another definition of “quixotic” would apply - “a romantic disregard for money.” There were also instances when he would refuse payment out of principle or because he has not yet achieved the desired results. He may not be filthy rich by the standards of this materialistic world, but he is certainly wealthy in a host of more important things – wisdom, faith, good health out of a life well-lived and the love and respect of the people whose lives he has touched.

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march into Hell

For a heavenly cause

Papa lives on the Word of God. He not only hears it at mass every day, he goes out of his way to bring it to others. One of his friends died recently from a lingering illness – a man estranged from his family because of financial disputes. Before he died, Papa had been patiently ministering to him – visiting him, bringing him goodies, softening him up for a family reconciliation with passages from the bible. In the end, Papa was asked by his family to give the eulogy. And this man wasn’t even a very close friend. But my father is like that. He seems to have a radar for finding wayward souls who need to be reminded about our God who cares. He calls his personal ministry Families for Christ the Marian Way. October is significant to him, not only because it is his birth month but also the month of the rosary. An event that he never misses is the La Naval procession in Sto. Domingo.

This love for the Lord is a legacy that he is passing on to me and to my children. I have never known anybody whose faith is as strong as his. Our family has received so many blessings – material and otherwise – because of his unshakeable faith.

And I know if I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

Family is all important to him. He has stayed true to the glorious quest of keeping ours intact by being a loyal husband, a loving father, a supportive grandfather and a good brother. He goes to great lengths to keep us safe and happy. He is our peacemaker – the one who keeps his sense of humor and serenity intact in the midst of any trouble. And it’s not just our immediate family. He is the go-to guy for an assortment of cousins, uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews who get into some trouble or another.

For him, family is not limited to his biological one. It extends to his work place. As the past chairman of Quezon Capital Rural Bank, he is passionate about making this familial quality the bank’s unique identity in the industry.

And the world will be better for this

That one man, scorned and covered with scars

Still strove with his last ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable star

Last week, Papa celebrated a milestone – his 80th birthday – still healthy, energetic, very much in the swing of things and looking forward to his centennial. I praise and thank God for this great blessing of giving me a wonderful father who has made the world a better place and who has taught me that no star is unreachable.

Happy birthday, Papa!

Darkness and Light

We were solemnly invoking the Holy Spirit with a song. It was at the Baptism for the Feast Alabang’s 2nd Jesus Encounter (JE) last Saturday. Suddenly, I was jolted by a loud cry. It came from one of the participants in the second row. From the corner of my eye, I could see her thrashing around. I sensed it was not the Spirit moving in her so I said a silent prayer.

Later, I saw Melanie, who was in charge of the participants in that row, praying over her. More thrashing around. Melanie seemed to be having a hard time getting through to her. Bro Arun Gogna, our Feast builder, came over and helped with the pray over. It was only then that the struggle stopped. She slumped in her seat – draped over it like a carelessly flung garment. Whatever it was had been cast out and left her limp.

Towards the end of the JE, Bro Arun asked some of the participants to share their experience at the baptism in the spirit. She stood up to tell her story. She shared that before coming to the encounter, she felt a dark presence telling her not to go. At the first JE in May, she had planned to attend but was prevented by this darkness. She got physically ill. This time, she wrestled with it and was able to come into the light.

We all experience this battle between darkness and light. Sometimes to a large degree, like this JE participant, whose darkness was like a sinister cloud that enveloped her. At other times, it’s a struggle with our conscience – choosing between right and wrong. Most times, we just have small skirmishes. But our choice in these minor situations can make a difference.

I, for one, had to make a choice that morning. I had planned to go to the gym after serving in the Music Ministry. According to my well laid plan, I will sing at the worship, help distribute the snacks, attend yoga class then go back for the baptism, or not if I was too tired already. But there was a shortage of servants so I had to pinch hit as a facilitator. It was a minor thing but it was one less headache for the people in charge.

There was a choice to make between performing service and doing my asanas – to a small degree, darkness and light. I chose and felt better for exercising my spiritual muscles instead.

The Art of Extracting a Blessing

Have you ever felt that getting your prayer answered is like pulling out teeth using a pair of tweezers?

Imagine how that goes. You are sweating and doing all sorts of contortions to get the right grip. You even stand on a chair to get leverage. The owner of the tooth has a mouth that’s already as wide and deformed as that of Batman’s nemesis, the Joker, from all the fruitless maneuvers.

For years, I felt that way about my prayer for my livelihood. I even used to say in jest that if my dream were a person, she’d be about to graduate from college soon. It has been that long.

After over a year of attending and serving at the Feast Alabang (originally South Feast), I learned that I had been going about it the wrong way. I was using the wrong tools. Yes, exactly like using a pair of tweezers to pull teeth.

Let me illustrate. I got my Novena to God’s love in 2007. In it I was supposed to write my 7 dreams and pray for them every day. The novena said they have to be specific. For two years, all that was written in my novena was my name. I could not get my dream for my career/ business down pat so I could not complete my novena.

Before 2007 I had gotten into the habit of writing down my prayer petitions at the beginning of each year. I have pages upon pages of dreams written over the years. My prayers have been constant except for this area. My dream would morph into something else as the year progressed. My prayer for my business would get snopaked, crossed out, written over in red ink, pink ink, orange ink as situations changed. Once in a while I’d modify something. That’s not exactly what I want. Or there’s something else more promising. In short, my vision was fuzzy.

Can you imagine the confusion the universe had in trying to deliver this dream? I can picture God indulgently waiting on the side till I can get it right. After all, He knows the dream He has written in my heart.

It was only this year that I finally wrote down my 7 dreams. The mere act of writing them down in that tiny book gave me laser light focus. Suddenly, things became clearer and I was able to move with a purpose. It was easier to eliminate steps that will keep me from my goal. Like will taking a job as a transcriptionist propel me to my goal of becoming a writer? Not if it will keep me from writing – the difficult accents make my ears bleed and turn my brain to soup. It robs me of creativity and the time to write. Any job I take from now on must enhance my ability to reach my aspirations.

Although I had been frenetically, obsessively working for years to make my wishes come true, the fluidity of that dream prevented it from becoming a concrete reality. When I finally decided on what I wanted, I was able to take the right steps.

In just a few months my novena has become colorful. There are now pink tick marks on it. My prayers are being answered one by one:

My elder son graduated from college. Several months after graduation, he got a job even if it was out of season for teachers to be hired. He had an earth angel in Lui, my Caring Group sister. She referred him to her client who owned a pre-school. He also auditioned for the Feast Alabang Music Ministry. Those are checks for my dream numbers one and two.

My younger son finally finished his thesis after being delayed for two terms. Not only that, his thesis won the bronze for animation in the Digicon. In Jesus’ name, he will be graduating this year. Another check for dream #2 coming.

And, as for my dream about my career, it's finally taking off.

The recently concluded talk series on Wish! How to Fulfill Your Heart’s Desire has been such an eye opener for me.

I realized that my stories and prayers flowed from my woundedness – the different trials life throws at me every once in a while.

The image of what I want my life to be is now in high definition – no longer fuzzy and conflicted.

I finally learned God’s will for me. It is not about the minute details but a vision to love like Jesus. He has given me the freedom to decide the “how”.

And finally, when I bloom where I am planted, God will shower me with all the things that are necessary to make my dreams come true.

The talks gave me the tools I needed. I have discovered the art of extracting blessings.

A Tortured Matchmaker

No, this is not about matching a boy and a girl.

It’s not about waving a wand to give them their happily-ever-afters and later realizing you’ve whipped up a melodrama instead of a fairy tale. It’s not about feeling like banging your head on the nearest wall because you’ve made the horrible mistake of introducing them to each other. It’s not about wishing you had a time machine so you can go back and ignore the urge to find a friend her match. Although I have been feeling like that recently – it’s not about that (wink to you-know-who-you-are).

I remember Rollie, my brother in the community, who is a really funny guy. We thought he was kidding when he said all the couples who asked him to pray over them have separated. But he claims this is true, so we jokingly told him to cease and desist from the couple pray over altogether. It’s not about that either – trying to patch things up and then have things go horribly wrong.

This is about my obsessive compulsion to match things. You know the way slippers and earrings have a perfect pair. Or giving exactly the same amount to each person involved. I used to count the pieces of grapes or anything of the like that I give to my children just to make sure each gets his fair share. I guess that’s what it all boils down to – a fair share.

In this case, it’s more of giving one his due. I feel that when one has rendered the same service as another, they should be given the same reward and privilege. This is why I’ve always had trouble with the Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard in Matthew 20. I felt the first workers should have been given more. That was until I heard an explanation that God’s love and mercy cannot be measured by human standards.

You might think this rant comes from my receiving the short end of the stick. On the contrary, I am tortured because I have been receiving blessings while there are those who are not getting the same. Simple as the blessing may be, I’m not comfortable with it because I get blessed periodically.

I am still in the process of discerning what I’m to do with the situation. Do I refuse the blessing until everyone gets a fair share or do I just accept God’s reward for services I rendered? Should I just accept His generosity without question and not do my bit to right the situation? My pleas have so far fallen on deaf ears.

Maybe I am called to trust in His justice, mercy and equal love for all – that He will make things right for everyone in His time.

'Listen, friend,' the owner answered one of them. 'I have not cheated you. After all, you agreed to do a day's work for one silver coin. Now take your pay and go home. I want to give this man who was hired last as much as I gave you. Don't I have the right to do as I wish with my own money? Or are you jealous because I am generous?'" – Matthew 20:13-15

My Virtual Dream Board

The walls of the center are beginning to fill up with dream boards posted by Alabang Feasters. Some have simple drawings. Some have clipped pictures (I can imagine the piles of magazines with holes in their pages left at home). Others are finely crafted pieces that show the hours spent on it by now sleep-deprived dreamers.

And my dream board? It’s one glorious blank! Pure, pristine, untouched. Not for the lack of dreams but for the lack of time. Oh I did plan it. I wanted to turn mine into an artwork. A watercolor of my dream house with my happy family. Maybe even paper sculpture it like the paintings I used to make. Or how about crafting it like a scrap book with embossed words like the beautiful ones Becky gives as birthday gifts.

But we’re now into the third talk of the Wish series with one more to go and I haven’t drawn a single line nor clipped a single picture. I want my dream board on that wall! So what’s this writer to do? Write about it of course. And print the link for this blog for my real dream board.

First thing that’s in my virtual dream board is my happy family. When I do my visualization exercise in the morning, I picture us on Sundays getting ready to serve in the Feast Alabang down to the youngest cute & chubby future grandchild.

Next is my dream home – a modern bahay na bato nestled in lush greenery. It has a brook that wends its way to the back of the house falling into a serenity pool. I actually have pictures of the community, the house and the rooms in a folder complete with all the details I want. I just need a picture of my writing nook/studio but I have that in my mind already. Bro Bo Sanchez said he reads his dream list every day. I look at my dream folder most days during my prayer time.

I love to travel, so that’s next. Europe with a Mediterranean cruise thrown in. The Holy Land. Revisit U.S.A and Canada with a must see trip to Harry Potter’s Wizarding World plus a stay in Disneyland Hotel this time and not the budget hotels we are used to. Japan and other nice places in Asia. And of course, our very own beautiful Philippine spots.

Transportation is a need and my dream for this is simple – a brand new family car or van that’s big enough for my family. And since that’s too bulky to bring around when I go to the gym, grocery, meetings and other stuff I do when I drive myself, I also want a personal car. A brand new late model Volkswagen beetle in cotton candy pink.

To cap it all is a successful career as a best-selling author and a balanced life coach. This is the only thing I was able to include in my real dream board.

All these can’t be contained in the 10”x13” dream board that we got. I would have needed a whole illustration board for all the details. My virtual dream board is fine by me. After all, these dreams are etched in my heart. I pray for their fulfillment In Jesus’ name. That’s a mighty powerful prayer. I just learned today at the Feast that it means: “If Jesus were in my place, He’d pray the same thing.”

Now I’m off to shake the universe into granting my heart’s desires.